Oldie but Goodie

Who can forget the cheesy 80's movie, Short Circuit and the loveable Johnny-Five. And then the lesser Short Circuit 2, which featured more cheese and a CAMIO by Mahoney (Steve Guttenberg). Too cheap for a whole movie, eh?

http://www.johnny-five.com

And the legend continues...

Movie (Video) Review - The Marine

Now there went a couple hours I won't get back...We screamed for a new action hero, but this soft-talking, muscled-up, jarhead wanna-be has to have real marines pissing vinegar all over the Middle East. Talk about a lack of continuity, this dude is fireproof (survived at least four close encounters with fireballs), bullet proof, sledgehammer proof, and has mutant healing abilities (goes from barely able to walk to swan-diving in .01 seconds flat...

Bring on the next loser.

Is this thing on?

check one, check two
both of them are working and neither one likes no feedback
San Demus High School Football Rules!!!

Video Review: Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey

Long before he learned Kung-Foo, Keanu Reeves and was air-guitaring his way to stardome as a teenage doofus. I know that this isn't the first in the Bill and Ted epic series, but it was the one I found in the travel bag of a DVD player I was repairing. Nooge...

I hadn't seen this movie in at least a decade, but I found myself incredibly familar with the plot, to the point that I could recite nearly every line. The movie has great continuity (which any movie that includes a time machine should have), and a number of quotables. We all know that a movie is only as good as it's quotes:

"Dude, I can't believe we melvined death!"

"I got a full-on robot chubby. "

"That was non-non-non-non-non-NON-Heinous!"

"Don't overlook my butt, I work out all the time. And reaping burns a lot of calories."

There is also a link to Die Hard. The Man with no Tan, Mr. Grim Reaper is played by Bill Sadler, whom plays Col. Stuart (bad guy) in Die Hard 2. He also played the weasly senator in Hard to Kill.

Movie Review: Rocky Balboa

I must say, this is the best show I've seen in a long time. The last time we saw Rocko he was defeating communism; the left hand (southpaw) of President Regan's Cold War.

(I realize that the franchise sold out and made another movie in between 4 and Balboa, but it was not endorsed by Regan or any true Rocky fanboys.)

Anywho, what a great end to a series. Rocko goes out on a good note, his son learns some important life lessons, and we all learn that, "It's not how hard you can hit, but how hard you can take a hit." You said it Rocky, just please not in the face...

That's not funny...

Actually, in a dork-loser way it is...I have a Vanilla Ice CD on my desk right now...

And...We're Back!!

After a few months hiatus thanks to a blogger beta fart, SWMs are back in business. Not that it means much, because frankly we are not that good at updating this thing on a regular basis anyway.

So, for all you folks waiting desperately for our return, you are worthless. Move out of your mom's basement and get a job not related to drug trafficing. And for goodness' sake, type something, we're paying for this stuff! (Not really, I can't back that up).

Q: Why you bringing up old sh*t?

A: Because that is the only funny part of my hour and half comedy special.
(as in i don't like my women's cash and prizes to resemble this ->
Dane Cook is a comedian that thanks to Ichabod we have all been "following" for a number of years now, and i was curious to see his behind the scenes stuff from Tourgasm (the Cubano, Backdraft, and I went to one of his shows) and while there was a couple good laughs it basically was four dudes bickering like women. but later i read that his new comedy special on HBO would be about 90% new material and i was roped again. After viewing it last night i have to admit i chuckeled a couple times but the funniest stuff was still his old material he broke into the last five minutes. So as far as a review goes, it gets a good solid "ehh"
But it brings me to another point, being funny is a damned hard thing to do. Basically when you first see a comedian they have worked on something for way too many years, and that if you go to one show and enjoy it then you should attempt to never see anything else of theirs for at least another five years. I think i frist learned this lesson from Mike Meyers. he had some funny stuffs in So I married an Axe Murder, and it was trully depressing to find out later most of it was recycled from old SNL skits. Another case is Ron "Tater Salad" White, he completely stole the show from the first Blue Collar Tour, but if you see any of his solo skits the only parts that are funny are rehashed...
i could continue to make more examples and points...but i have lost interest. you get the idea
peace out

Transformers Movie Update...

Upcoming Transformers Movie has the 1835SWMs saddened. Leaked art looks like vomit. Here we see (from left) Megatron, Post-G1 Galvatron, and the leaked movie Megatron:

News Flash...

"CANNONBALL"

Things I learned this weekend

1. Tango and Cash is a highly underrated movie, and I believe is the first movie role for Teri Hatcher. That should tell you how old she is.

Stereotypes, and saying "Up Yours" to the P.C.crowd...

The thing about stereotypes is that they were developed based on repetitive observations about a particular group, race, religion, creed, country, etc. by a third party (which is often actually someone within the group that is being made fun of). I would surrender that some stereotypes are extreme, but either way they typically are developed like a good lie:

GOOD LIE = 20% TRUTH + 10% ERRONEOUS DATA + 70% BOLD-FACED LIE

So next time some douche tells you that, "Not all Mexicans eat beans with every meal" tell him/her that enough do for you to make fun of them for it.

Question of the Day

Why is that Wal-Mart has twenty-five checkout lines, but only four open at 5:30 on a weekday afternoon with 100 people waiting at each one?

Scheduling Freedom

I've noticed that more and more often communities are scheduling their July 4th celebrations on days other than the 4th. What's up with that? Independence Day, as I know it, celebrates the "birth" of the USA and forever will be on July 4th, 1776. Of course, it must not be convenient enough to match everyone's schedule so community leaders just shuffle it on to a different day...

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. These days it's hard to find a newborn that wasn't a scheduled birth, be it induced labor or scheduled cesarean. How fitting that we also reschedule the birth of our freedom around our busy lives...

Things that just don't add up...

This morning I heard something about cancer caused by second hand smoke. It involved many figures and statistics, which made me start wondering where exactly those numbers come from. Let me first state that I was a smoker for several years, and although I abhor the smell of it these days, I don't bemoan smoking by others. I'm also certain that there are real health risks associated with smoking and 2nd hand smoke, so I'm not some moron claiming that smoking is not a health risk.

But what scientific process does the FDA use to come up with their numbers? Do they study tissue samples and follow people from birth to produce rigid figures? I guess my point is that to conduct science requires facts, and saying that a person exposed to 2nd hand smoke has a 30% higher chance of contracting the big C leaves me wondering where that figure came from(CONTINUED)...

I love how we go blindly along with any study put out about smoking because it is generally accepted that smoking is bad for you. Again, I agree that there are definitely risks, but to say that, "Even brief exposure to second-hand smoke has immediate adverse effects on the cardiovascular system and increases risk for heart disease and lung cancer" makes it sound like you are as good as dead if you catch a whiff of tobacco smoke. Sounds like I am screwed so I might as well drink myself to death. It's a pity, I really liked hanging out at smoky bars...
Post some science and prove me wrong!

South Korean soccer fan

South Korean Soccer Fan. They do funny stuffs

Vocabulary Lesson - "Pretty Princess"

No, not another homophobic term for a fag, queer, sausage stuffer, etc. Actually it's a term of endearment, for the one fellow in your party that has just a little to much to drink. Usually they display symptoms such as:

- Crying
- Yelling at the neighbor's yard
- Pouring drinks on others in the party
- Screaming at bikers in the quad
- Making stupid poker bets
- attempting to drown in vomit

Proper usage (to friend with head in the toilet): "Oh, now look who's a pretty princess!"

More Phobias

To add to Ichaod's list of fears:

Halitosophobia - fear of people like Sandra Bullock and Maria Carey who look like they have breath like hot garbage.

Nakofestivophobia - Fear that your exgirlfriend is having a naked party without you.

TheIncredibleTouchophobia - Fear that someone will remake "The Touch" and ruin the song forever.

Paperorplasticophobia - Fear of making small, insignificant decisions.

Baynobia - Fear that someone will throw his drink on you. CONTINUES...



Cabbageophobia - Fear of small hands.

Superbearophobia - Fear that someone else will think of a cooler nickname than yours.

Dorkyhatophobia - Fear that someone in your group will make a dorky hat out of your group's nickname.

Olsenophobia - Fear of the dark.

Daily Chuck Norris Quote:
"Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep."

I fear Beets.

Okay, time for another episode of Ichabod pisses off the lefties:

Homophobia. I'd like to address this ridiculous misnomer, and the silly underlying pack of arguments that it represents. If I might be permitted a bit of a strawman, I will define the term for you:

Homophobia, n. - A term employed by agenda-pushing homosexuals to preclude legitimate argument. The word, like "Anti-choice", is a wonderful example of PC hijacking of language to frame a debate in terms more favorable to their movement and thereby stifle intellectual criticism of their beliefs...(continues) A paradox philologically, the term is a logical farce masked in pseudo-scientific verbiage. This is because it actually refers to aggression or dislike of homosexuality, rather than fear.

It is perhaps the largest perpetration of third-grade-level reverse psychology ever. Let me clear this up for you. People who reject the gay agenda do not fear gays. There are almost no males that I fear less, with the exception of accountants. I suppose that one could say that I do fear the effect that their agenda will have toward the erosion of our culture, but that is quite distinct from the fear on a personal level that is inherent to a phobia. To equate my philisophical concern with a phobia is an overreach at best. Perhaps an analogy is in order: a soldier in a war fears the political and societal ramifications of an enemy victory, but his actions in battle are not the consequence of personal fear, but rather in opposition to it. To call American soldiers in WWII Naziphobes would be rather silly, but ANY defensive measure could be described as a phobia using PC standards. Alas, I fear I have already given the semantics too much of a treatment, because common sense tells us that it is merely an attempt to fight masculine discomfort toward homosexuality with masculine discomfort toward being afraid. It is horribly transparent, but the blue-staters eat the term up.

I take a moment to address the term because my post on the gaying-up of comic books evidently ruffled some feathers... the long and the short of it is that yours truly has been rather unceremoniously branded a homophobe. No response to criticism of homosexuality is complete without employing this, the first line of defense in the rather weak ideological arsenal of the other side of the debate. The second wing of defense is an intentional corruption of other words, such as "hate", "diversity", and "puritanical".

The third (and my personal favorite) tactic used by pro-gay groups is the brilliant employment of the classical "I know you are, but what am I" argument. Basically it asserts that if you oppose their agenda, it is because you secretly repress your own homosexual tendencies. I really like when they throw that one out there because it basically destroys any chance of using the last arrow in their quiver, the "gay is not a choice" argument. You see, if I am repressing the tendencies, well, that implies that I am choosing to be straight. You can't have it both ways, Pier.

It occurs to me that I am trying to argue logic with illogical and emotionally motivated people (something I seem to be unable to stop doing), so there is probably no point in continuing. I suppose I should not be surprised that people so intent on tearing down the foundations of our culture have no qaulms about tearing down language. So I give up. They win; I am a homophobe. For your reference, here are some more argumenta ad hominem that will instantly cause me to concede to an opposing point of view. Use them as required:

Communistophobe
Radical-Islamiphobe
Abortionophobe
Mosquitophobe
Brussel-sproutophobe
Too-small-of-a-shirt-collar-ophobe
GunControlophobe
CDs-being-out-of-orderophobe
Smell-of-cat-urineophobe
Excessively-loud-mufflers-on-underpowered-imported-carsophobe
Blingaphobe
That-Fried-Green-Tomatoes-movieophobe

Please feel free to catalog any personal phobias of yours in the comments.

Movie Review - Nacho Libre

This is definitely a movie worth skipping a couple hours of work on a hot, hot day. Nacho Libre is your standard "orphan wants to do more with their life" plot. There are a few memorable scenes, particularly the Baptism and the Eagle taking flight. The music is fair, and Jack Black delivers enough slapstick funnies to keep you interested.

"Sometimes men like to wear stretchy pants"

I am buying it

i have always hesitated to buy a SUPERMAN t-shirt, but i am not going to hide in the crowd when the big guy needs me
because i occupy more space than you average size male i never wore a Supe shirt because of the endless of amounts of heckling it would invoke. you have to be a little/skinny dude to get away with it. Much like if you are Big Dan you better being a F'n HUGE dude or weigh a buck twenty soaking wet.
but now the big guy is coming under fire, for being too good and too nice. apparently standing for truth, justice, and yes by god THE AMERICAN WAY is not angst ridden enough or to implausible a quality to have in a ficitional character. So i encourage all of you plus size men to join me and help support the dream when it is most needed.

*also possible the author has always burned with the desire to wear the shirt and is now grasping at any excuse to do so

Homebrewing is a Sport

...and damn is the product dee-lish! What could be more manly than cooking up some beer whilst drinking it and listening to Quiet Riot - Feel the Noise. Did I mention that we built the Rusty Cutlass Brewery using old beer kegs and welded angle-steel? Anyway, if ever there was a hobby fitted for our market segment, homebrewing is it. I'm close to breaking the law here, where the max you can brew in a year is 100 gallons. I'm not halfway through the year and pushing 85. A few stats from the afternoon:

Burned Hands - 2
Faces sprayed with Vinegar - 1
Miller Lights drank - 26
Shirts worn - 1 of 3
Sunburns - 2
Cost of Supplies for 4 cases of premium beer - $30

Polarizing Commentary

It's time to celebrate national attention for the 18-35StraightWhiteMales Blog. Thanks to Ichabod's polarizing (go figure) comments about the Gay, we got some free exposure on a discussion board in cyberspace:

http://www.poormojo.org/pmjadaily/archives/009124.php

Apparently the poster is embarassed that intelligent people read comics, and thinks that Ichabod is a homophobe mourning a lost pet. Well good for you, thanks for reading!

Big (World) Cup of Zero

it annoys me so much, i am not even going to dignify it with a full blog.
just please for the sake of all things man, stop talking about it american sports writers!
it is perfectly acceptible for our demographic (18-35SWM) to be completely arrogant and pomous and not care AT ALL about the sport that has the rest of the world under its spell. The only thing that matters to us right now, is that it is six weeks until training camp starts...

Gay is not a mutant ability

I have become increasingly dejected by the liberal hijacking of my favorite comic books.

Stan "More Obsolete than a Commodore-64" Lee, who created many of the comics I grew up loving (but has seen them all evolve away from his cute little hokey nerd-cum-heroes toward characters with more dimension), in a desperate attempt to claim some relevancy, has recently gone on record talking about how his comics were a metaphor for civil rights. I doubt it. The X-men did take up such a mantle, but I suspect it was other writers (with significantly more depth than he) who interjected the themes of equality versus the resistance to social change. But regardless, the undertones served the comics relatively well and added a dimension to them which has helped grow the median age and the diversity of the readership.

Unfortunately, this has also served as a wedge for something awful. It always irks me when homosexuals try to claim kinship to oppressed races or gender. Mental deviancy regarding sexual tendencies is decidedly different than race or gender. But it is convenient for agenda-pushing homos to ride the coat-tails of legitimate social movements by convincing soccer moms that one should equate social disgust towards moral degeneracy with racism and sexism. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that since half of our society seems to be blindly accepting this premise, the art school drop-outs who write comics should as well. But it still depresses me. I remember listening to an interview where the director for X-Men 2 explained that the movie was a metaphor for society's repression of homosexuality. Hence the ghey-intensive casting. Iceman's scene telling his parents he is a mutant was supposed to parallel "coming-out" to mommy and daddy. It was so forced that they actually asked him if he tried "not being a mutant". Subtle.

Now DC has raced to join the fray. The industry giant announced two weeks ago that they are resurrecting the Batwoman character as a lipstick lesbian (because they exist). Marvel has been running a series where the evil conservative government is making superheroes register as weapons of mass destruction:kudos to whatever commie 10th grade level writer came up with that one... aren't you the little Orwell (I am curious though, what the Marvel writer's position is on Gun Control). So Spiderman will be "outing" himself to the press, saying "I'm proud of who I am, and I'm here right now to prove it." You see, gheys have also recently discovered that having an alter-ego can be likened to being in the closet. Oh how terribly witty.

To top it all off, last week The Advocate (The Homoqueer Tribune) ran an article about how Superman is a gay allegory because Clark Kent is Superman's "beard". I guess I am going to have to do with comics what I have done with movies. Be content to view old ones from my childhood before they were corrupted.

Maybe when hetro males stop buying comics someone will figure it out. Probably not though, because Hollywood hasn't figured it out regarding movies. They think the hetro males didn't check out Brokeback Mountain because of availability of digital alternatives skewing year-over-year theater gross comparisons. There are none so blind as they who will not see.

Movie Review: X-men 3

ok i had a lengthy review full of wit and wonder...then the freakin' computer gods came and snatched it away
for some reason having to rewrite something i just wrote is the absolute pit of despair for me, so everyone with have to settle for the bullitt points

>my official review of the movie...ehhh, could have been better could have been worse
>it rates as an Episode I-III, leaving the theater i did not feel the need to pistol whip the high schooler pissed at me for making him actually work and key in 1 bagillion dollars for two tickets and a bag of goobers...but i am certain after viewing it a second time i will once again pine for a Delorian and 88 mph such that i can get back the two hours of my life
>Hugh Jackman once again gives an oscar worthy performance. he is truly believable as a tough guy while in real life he suffers from a horrific cases of the puffs, see below

>after succesfully whining for two films that she wasn't important enough, Hale Berry finally gets her due and is given all the lines not taken by puff'n'knives. still her best acting is when she rushes down the stairs...two black eyes, table of two, now seating

>SPOILER. cyclops is killed off in like the first ten minutes, which i can only imagine was the arrangement for his return after bryan singer successfully turned the defacto field general in the comics into the Biatch in the movie.
>this one has a lot more action, and while it is badly filmed at least it is not wasted minutes of them hoping to convince young comic geeks everywhere that smokin the meat pole is just like being able to turn things to ice with your mutant powers
>somebody feed Jean Grey a freakin cheese burger! your ass hanging out of your undies is an expression sister

to summarize the movie was exactly what i expected, so how can i blame it. it was a summer movie. the new guy is a music video director and that is exactly what he gives you. does it suck, oh yeah. does that make it a bad movie, of course not. if i have to explain to you...then this site is not for you

You look like a young go-getter

I grow weary of random people striking up obviously forced conversations with me at Barnes & Noble or a department store. Occasionally, it's the supermarket, but I swear, I must excrete some pheromone that attracts people trying to get me involved in their "exciting new business ventures".

Usually they start talking to me about my car if they happen to catch me in the parking lot, or the book I'm looking at if I am in the book store. It's gotten to where if I go to Target I have my iPod buds in my ears while I shop, because Target has earned repeat offender status. But the leeches are undeterred, as recently one guy actually waved me down to ask me about my iPod as the opener. Well played, you maxipad.

I have tried being curt with them. I have tried being nice and playing dumb. I have tried everything short of going nuclear and these people shrug it off. These lampreys are beyond embarrassment. They always eventually get to the point where they tell me I look like the kind of person who could be a real asset to their new business... helping companies get on the internet, or selling discount non-perishables, or organic supplements.

Usually I look like the farthest thing from a high potential candidate. Anyone who knows me knows that I roll out in jeans and a T-shirt. It has been my uniform forever. Often on the weekends my hands will be covered in oil because I have been working on my muscle car. They still come. Sure, occasionally they will get me on my lunch hour, which is a completely different paradigm because I wear a suit and tie to work everyday, but this has been the exception. I have discerned no pattern other than that I must walk around with an expression on my face that says "gullible moron".

I decided that I would absolutely freak out at them next time. Maybe push them, or idunno, wipe a booger on them or something. Yell really loud and cause a scene. Call them lower than meter-maids, telemarketers, and the tow-truck guys who troll apartment complexes looking to scurry off with college students' cars. But so far I haven't done it because the two who have gotten to me since had sheilds. One was actually at work, and a woman, so no-go on that one. The other had his 10 year old daughter with him at Target (this was the iPod guy), and I couldn't immasculate the weasel in front of his child. It reminded me of the book Blackhawk Down, when the heathen Somali is firing (seated, and in the open) at U.S. troops with his kids standing around him or on his lap.

I am going to find other people with the same problem, and raise enough money to get a phone line with voicemail. The outgoing message will say: "I gave you this number to get you the heck away from me so I could finish looking for "Red Dawn" or "Iron Eagle" on DVD. The name I gave you, Chim Richalds, was not real. All of the subterfuge is because you are an imbecile not worthy of knowing my name, and with whom I certainly do not wish to discuss your pyramid scheme. Good luck frantically finding other suckers who, like yourself, can somehow be convinced that a guy with a five dollar haircut holds the key to wealth and fame, and is willing to share it with random people at Walmart. Tell them about your boss who drives an Italian car or lives at the beach. That one always impresses."

Strange Brew Review

Since we are on the topic of bad movies I figured how's about I review (or rather reflect on) a great one from the pamphlet. The actual pamphlet is real, but only in our minds. You should be familiar with its listings before engaging yourself in our conversations. Consider yourself warned...

Right, the movie...anyway, it's a great one. Two canadian bro's going to work at a brewery and finding mischief and foul play. Rick Moranis's best work ever. Quotes galore:

"The earth had been, like, devastated by nuclear war. Like, Russia blew
up the US and the US blew up Russia. Lucky for me I'd been off-planet on vacation at the time of the war. There wasn't much to do. All the bowling alleys had been wrecked, so I spent most of my time looking for beer." - Bob McKenzie.

"It's a Jelly" - Bob McKenzie.

Nough Said!

SOAP

For the sake of things dork boy, don't be the guy who thinks he is wickedly cool because you are excited about a movie that sucks harder than farmer jim.
of course i speak of...

Da Vinci non-review

First of all, in the interest of full disclosure, let me say that I am the Jesus Freak of the group, so I am hardly unbiased in the following comments, which are meant as a response to the "so what's the big deal?" argument in favor of seeing a movie which is historically revisionist at best, and soul-endangering at worst.

I am not going to attempt my own review of a movie that I neither have seen nor ever will see. I will say, however, that I am aware of the premise of the movie, which was borrowed from a book entitled "Holy Blood, Holy Grail", which does claim to be historical fact. The plots of both are equalled in archaeological and historical scholarship only by pamphlets dealing with the area 51 cover-up handed out at star trek conventions by 58 year old virgins wearing tin-foil hats. But rather than deliver a point by point rebuttal of the tenets of Brown's historical thriller, which I have heard is actually quite enjoyable to read and rather light hearted fun (unless you happen to believe, as I do, that Christ's death served as the substitutionary atonement for your sins, in which case nothing quite so mind-numbingly heretical could be described as merely a "fast-paced romp").

I suppose that the impact to a person's faith that such a movie can have (overtly or sub-consciously) is not my biggest problem. People have aligned themselves against, and viciously attacked my faith for millennia. I am frankly unimpressed at the strength of the arguments for this one. I've seen seemingly much stronger attacks thrown in the waste basket of history. The danger here is not intellectual merit but an ill-defined blur of fact and fiction in general. It has often been said that the most dangerous of lies contain some truths. I heartily agree. Most cults are based on luring people in with truths that appeal to the common sense (but are for whatever reason, slightly counter-cultural), only to drop a person's suspicion and then brainwash them to believe in absurdities. Brown's book blends historical facts with conjecture and outright error, and the average reader has no way of knowing which is true. It is actually quite cunning in its subversiveness. Like a gossip column, it does not claim integrity, but rather happily claims uncertainty of truth. This way, when a person successfully refutes some of the content, the reader need not throw away all of it. Sure 2 out of the 3 claims have been proven false, but the third might still be true... There are huge historic (insert whichever word you would prefer, "errors", "lies", "mindless and unwarranted speculations") throughout the book, but it is "fiction" so why footnote them? As the American Public seems to embrace such Weekly World News Historianism, get ready for a host of others, attacking every institution too strong to be directly taken on. Oh wait. They are all over the place. Women really invented everything, and any strong male historical figure was secretly gay. Search the web.

I am not going to set another record for longest post, so I will leave you with a comment on the most asinine argument for watching the movie ever. It was offered by a Central Washington University student (and millions of other imbeciles in the last few months), and quoted in an excellent review on the Da Vinci Code:
"'Even if it’s just fiction,' a student opined, 'it’s still interesting to think about.' To which another student replied: 'Your mother’s a whore.' And then, to the first student’s stunned incredulity, he added, 'And even if that’s just fiction, it’s still interesting to think about.'"

For the full review, go to:
http://decentfilms.com/sections/reviews/davincicode.html

Ichabod out.

Review - DaVinci Code (w/o spoilers)

That Tommy Hanks is a frickin' genius! The DaVinci Code is a fun little flick that has everyone's panties in a knot over the FICTIONAL concept that Jesus was married and had a child. So what?! It's a story folks. Why is it taboo to write a what-if book? Even if the author really thinks there may be validity to some of his conspiracy theory that doesn't make it real...but I digress.

The movie was predictable, and I had all the twists figured out moments after each character was introduced. Maybe Hanks' and I should have a child, you know, start our own rose line. In fact, maybe I should change my nickname to include "Super Genius". Well, except that I didn't know who the Teacher was, although I did figure there was something amiss with his character. Anyway, it was pretty good, a nice reprieve from the summer heat and reality. I place it third on my all-time Holy Grail Movie List:

1. Mony Python's - Holy Grail
2. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
3. The DaVinci Code

Oh, and by "third" I mean "last"...

Movie Review: The Break-Up

For what it's worth, despite what a bunch of ghey critics seem to have thought, The Break-Up starring Ricky Slade and Rachel was a pretty good movie. My wife and I saw it last weekend.

I can understand why critics didn't like it from a storytelling point of view... it starts off as a VERY funny comedy and ends as a poignant and rather realistic drama. If you are expecting the Wedding Crashers, this movie will lose you 45 minutes in. But I dug it all nonetheless. It wasn't so much a mix of comedy and drama as an interesting transition.

I found the movie extremely poignant. Any guy who has ever experienced a hard break-up or even normal relationship difficulties will find some deep truths here. The dynamics between modern women and old fashioned guys were dead on. The biggest problem that I perceived from the critics is that they couldn't understand why Vaughn's character acted the way he did, as Vaughn played an old-school Chicago GUY with Pride in his polish ancestry. The homo (if he isn't one, he's one nice male ass away from an awakening) from EW, I think his Name was Owen Glieberman (which, despite what you may think I did not make up as an example of the wieneriest name ever) couldn't get the character's motivations because he is much more empathetic toward a different kind of pride.

Link to the Article

Owen waxes his eyebrows to look like Angelina Jolie and likes the kind of "art" displayed in Anniston's character's gallery. His review read like a note from the Foink of a weasely friend of your eighth grade girlfriend who told her that he would treat her better and yearns to do more than just shop with her for purses. He is a pooh-bear. He does not understand masculinity because he has none. He believes that if a guy grabs your wife's butt, a real man diffuses the situation. He drives a Cabriolet.

If the movie is at times frustrating, it is only because the characters don't always do exactly what you want them to do (more like a real relationship than a typical movie). But let me tell you, the funny parts were laugh out loud hilarious. Just be ready to switch gears to serious and you will like this flick.

Now let's start a petition. I want to see Vaughn play a maverick cop, constantly defending his antics and/or interrogation methods to a screaming police captain. Let's get some decent action movies going. Bruce Willis can't be expected to carry the genre alone, people.

Swearing by levels...

Here is my first post regarding the Huckin Chicken ads from Burger King:

No offense to Slow Pitch's new employer, which has done some awesome, edgy ads for Burger King (the office space styled ads ruled), but I find the "Huckin' Chicken" thing a wee bit contrived. I mean, the play on words is weak because it's not a play on words at all. They just took a curse and changed a letter. It's not like people used the word huckin' previously, making the usage here witty. It's more like a third grader "technically" not swearing by saying "Fruckin'". By my third grade male standards this was among the least brave ways to address the all-important swearing issue (a controversy that can not be ignored without disastrous consequences in the rather volatile and high stakes world of geo-elementary school politics). The hierarchy, as I recall (on a scale of wiener to hero) was as follows:

Level one: Wiener. This kid had a pencil box that contained 400 pencils, all sharp enough to conduct rhinoplasty on an embryo, but the pedantic little pet of Miss Whatever would not dream of lending you one when you were at your desk and in a crunch. This person is now either a teacher himself or a millionaire virgin. In some cases they teach silly electives at engineering schools which should be easy A's but instead are used as a forum to punish students from the hard sciences for not being gay. At any rate, the wiener did not swear. He built a fence around all swear words, and then an outer level fence around anything even remotely risque or even rhyming with swear words. Wienerboy would rat you out with glee for saying "shut up", "crap", or "butt". Even "poo" would get a dirty look, which is insane because anyone who doesn't smile (at least inside), at any age, upon hearing the utterance of "poo" (including any derivative thereof, such as "poop", "poopy", or "poo-gas") is a humorless foreskin of a human being. Wiener was loathed by all non-wiener children, and was the social equivalent of a person with AIDS, the Bird Flu, Leprosy, and a New Kids poster in his room all at the same time. This was by far the lowest road to slog on the Cursing Issue.

Level two: Innocent Kid. Generally this kid had the same criteria for swear words as Wienerface, but without the inherent joy upon realization that he could sell you out for a shred more approval from that infertile wretch of a chain-smoking, child-hating teacher. This kid was perhaps the only victim of swearing, if one even exists, for he was sincerely, and in fact deeply, troubled by the immorality of taboo utterances. Abel, as I will call him, steered quite clear of any controversial phrases or terms, thank you very much. He is a moderately successful accountant with a loving wife and a child who will grow up to release a hail of gunfire on his unsuspecting civics class. This person generally was ignored by most non-abels, excepting only the more aggressive bullies. I remember letting a slightly older Abel listen to 2Live Crew cassette in eighth grade. I have never seen a human being become more nonplussed.

Level three: the Safe position. The safe position is that of our friends at Porter and Bigoski (the ad agency). They boldly uttered crap and butt with no fear of reprisal, inwardly feeling closer to the edge than they actually were. They changed letters in swear words and tried to de-emphasize the pronunciation of the spelling mutations so that your eyes would light up, thinking you had just been privy to a swear. Oh the cheapness of it! Here you were, thinking that this person had just shared one of the highest levels of comradery imaginable with you (a feeling akin to that of later middle school when a friend shared a magnificent columbus-like discovery of filthy magazines in the woods with you). Just as the words were still ringing in the air, as the mere ecstasy of the swear threatened to lift you right off of the ground, the "bastart" revealed that he technically had not sworn. I feel dirty just thinking about this betrayal. I must admit that I did try it myself a time or two (after all, one can't help but respect the ingenuity of it, at least) before moving up in levels. It was admittedly a cheap thrill, but rather hollow. This is mere pseudo-rebellion. This kid is a local level politician and stands for nothing.

Level four: the dog breeder. You know what I'm talking about. The joy in learning that "ass", if used meaning a mule, was allowed through some ridiculous oversight on the part of the grown ups. I can, even now, recall the spring in my step as I dashed home to yell "bitch" at my female Husky with impunity! Do the British really refer to a cigarette as a Faggot?!!! This is too good to be true!

Level Five: TI-30 joy. Paul Redlinger, you comedic stallion. Thank you from the depths of my very being for showing me that 58008 and 7734 typed into an unsuspecting calculator would make this wicked tool of the grown-up math-loving sons of female dachshunds instantly turn into a blustering ally. Hey... know what Jennifer is? Type in 55378008 in a calculator and turn it upside down.

Level Six: Captain America. This is it. Sure, most of us got there eventually, but he was the first. He felt no need for strength in numbers. He just threw them out there, boldly. While level Five-and-a-halves like me were only whispering these words high up in tree houses with lookouts posted, and to only our most deeply trusted confidants, you had the marbles to throw them out there on the playground, flirting with the earshot of a grown-up or even a wiener! You sir, are a champion. Thank you for letting me witness your boldness, your defiance. You were the Patrick Henry of the Kickball field. You shined above your peers, and were a titan among men. The courage, honor, and fierceness of your actions will never be forgotten, and when your illegitimate children look at you through the wired glass on visiting day, I think they will sense it too.

Live Action Transformers

July 2007 should be a great month in the 18-35straightwhitemale history books. Scheduled for that month is the live-action Transformers movie. That means there's only a few hundred days left for Ichabod (whom wishes we would call him Optimus Prime) to find a tradegic flaw in it and once again miss out on a movie he has dreamed about since he was six years old.

http://www.transformersmovie.com/

But I will be there, in all my dork glory, eating it up like a lic-a-stick (which was my sugar of choice in the early 80's). I think I'm going to go home and play with my Alternators tonight...

Jack Burton sightings.

TV is over for the Spring, just in time for the summer movie season. Methinks we are on the verge of some good stuffs. XMen, Superman, Pirates of the Caribbean II, Nacho Libre. And how can we forget our old pal Jack Burton in his latest "escape" movie: Escape From the Boat, The Posideon Adventure.

I can but suggest you heed one caution: be an impartial juror. This means not reading a gabajillion articles by a bunch of numbtards that are just spilling sour grapes about two minutes in a 150 minute film. Of course you should have an idea as to the content, else you be like Shamus(sp) and pleasantly surprised by the climax of The Crying Game (pun intended). Just don't write a movie off because of it's web buzz. You are an independent thinker, no?

Segmentation

So here is a link about our 18-35 segment. As you can see, there is little information to report about Hollywood and their efforts to attract us:

http://www.indiescene.net/archives/segmentation/1835_males/

If anyone finds better links, let me know...

Cold War Weiners

The Jetta has travelled from East to West, where the mountains are on the wrong side of the road.

It's gone for short distances through New Mexico at 140mph. Regularly averaged 95 ~ 100 mph in California and Arizona. Been pulled over for wreckless driving, turning left from the center lane in Santa Barbara.

Though the worst state for tickets and the Fuzz has been the Commonwealth of Virginia. Pulled over 4 times, once by a woman , who was tailgating me at night for ten miles before flashing the headlights and not this kind (o)(o). I received 3 out of four tickets. Is that a good record or bad?

Lastly, I85/40 was the platform for a high speed chase between the Jetta and a blue Jeep Cherokee maimed and missing one Flag. The Cherokee tried to outgun the Jetta with a mooning but at the cost of maiming it's exterior and losing a valued NC State Flag. Moments later the Jetta annoyingly hurled tiny pieces of paper at the Cherokee in hopes of obscuring it's visbility.

So up went the stakes. The Cherokee altered course to retrieve ammunition. The Jetta had no other choice but to do the same. After resupply of their arsenals, the The Jetta and The Cherokee we back on the road in a Cold War Fashioned Katz und Maus Hunt, rigging the cell phones to work as a expedient sonar system.

The battle ended on 540 with premature ejection of doritos from the Cherokee's roof. This fire was returned with authority with a bombardment of bananas and a pelting of wieners across the hood of the outmaneuvered and weaponless Cherokee.

Captain Backdraft and Gunner Ichabod

Don't Be That Guy

Long before he demanded we "hug it out bitch", Jeremy Piven taught us a much more important lesson, that was to NOT BE THAT GUY that wears the T-shirt of the band you are going to see. Bless you Droz for saving so many of us the pain and humiliation.




While i realize i am a pale imitation of the sleep smoking original...i will do my best to help the lost sheep of meterosexuals out there untuck their danglies and sound off like you got a pair. So without further adu (and rambling)...

Case 001
Don't Be That Guy that drives a F'n VW Beetle! There is nothing wrong with driving pretty much anything else (if you even mention the Chabaret all hope is lost and i will have my gimp beat you with your shoes) made by VW, even one of our very own is a proud owner of a much ticketed Jetta, but for the love of all things Jack Burton even the name screams Chick...Beetle. Tune in next week when i...ah, who am i kidding who knows when the hell i'll be back

Thank you Rocky

Rocky III, Clubber Lane. Mr T's big-screen debut, and signature role as a tough guy with a mohawk. Thanks to Rocky, T became the acrophobic driver and "bad attitude" for the A-Team., B.A. Barrackus. He is single-handedly responsible for some of our current culture:

- The word "Fool".
- He wrote the book on bling.
- The first on-screen Afro-Engineer (MacGyver was his bitch).
- The mohawk.

Case of the Mondays?

Suck it, Trebek...

After a short weekend culminating with a rainy Sunday I'm back here at work. Work sucks...which reminds me of Office Space, and the potential case of the Mondays. Of course that's the sort of thing that you would get your ass whupped for saying at a construction site...

Actually, I guess it wasn't so bad. At my wife's request we watched an uncut version of The Dukes of Hazzard which included way more boobs than the theater release. Then I brewed beer Sunday night and got poop-faced in the process. I also created a new code phrase for taking a shit: "Working on a Haiku".

What's that Crap about? The NCSU Turd Memorial.

Yesterday we sort of drifted off. We like toilet humor, specifically talking about our craps and how big, pungent, and greasy they were. In my dorm (mind you this was 1994) we had community restrooms and showers. One day as I was ringing out the old sock I noticed a poorly written note taped on the door of one stall. It read:

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NCSU Turd Memorial DO NOT FLUSH!
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To this day I have never seen human fecal matter in that volume or girth. I imagine that's as close to birth as a man could get. It stayed in place for at least two weeks, garnishing respect and admiration from the dorm occupants and janitorial staff. I showed everyone I knew. Unfortunately this was before digital cameras or camera phones, so no evidence of this enormous loaf exisits today. Still, it will haunt my dreams forever...

Poo Poo Haikus

"I was thinking a little more about my crap earlier. I think that the food passed through my body without being completely digested - I think I crapped little Crispix pieces, which concerns me that I'm not getting the nutrition I need. I mean, I think about my craps a lot." SlowPitch

A few Haikus:
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Excrement from me
Nutty texture shining forth
Pain, relief are one

Warm release with splash
Evidence on Porcelain
Lingers to remind - Ichabod
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Anticipation
For when my movement will start
Evidenced by walk

Pants undone before entry
Ecstasy upon feeling cold seat
Upon my buttocks

Wiping is challenge
When hot ass is the product
Of my digestion - SlowPitch
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Power from within
Now becomes last night's chicken
Or is that just corn - Cpt. Hygene

Thursday

What exactly is Thursday in relation to other days of the week? Monday is typically hangover day, with the only positive being that 17 weeks out of the year we have Monday Night Football. Tuesday is similar to Thursday as it is somewhat of a transition day, sort of blah. Wednesday is Hump Day, and if it's not raining it becomes a tad more uncomfortable as Dry Hump Day. Friday is the best day of the week because it typically marks the end of the work week and the beginning of a two day drinkathon...

Of course, Thursday used to be college party night. It had a purpose. It's the only day that rhymes with "Thirsty"...

Carbon Unfriendly

So bloggin' ain't easy, but the payoffs are...well, nada. Until we get up a readership I will continue to pine on about nothing. So what is the latest wrong SWMs have suffered? Well I'm just waiting for the rise in gas prices to get blamed on up. I can hear it now:

"According to a recent study SWMs were found to be most likely to pour petrol on charcoal grills in an effort to start cooking fires, leading to higher gas prices and accelerated global warming."

Film at 11...

The Thesis

Actually, it was Ichabod's idea...but he wanted a website to the tune of 50+ bucks a year. Since we are usually too lazy to keep a site up it was decided a blog would be a better way to get started.

Anyway, as I've already discussed, SWMs are a powerful group of consumers. Although we will cover many subjects, the original debate surrounds the drop in box office sales Hollywood can't seem to figure out. Well our thesis is clear: The movies they produce are 10lbs of suck in a 5lb bag. While the Hollywood elite fawn over movies fit for Lifetime, we sit in our home theaters watching DVDs of The Terminator and Ghostbusters. Where are the chain-smoking, male chauvinistic pigs that shot bad guys then headed straight to the bar for a double bourbon and an unfiltered Pall Mall?

And so it is with great honor that I welcome you to Straight White Males. What are we? Try the most coveted group of consumers on the planet. Marketers want us, Pro Sports need us, and Hollywood just seems to piss us off every chance it gets... This little web log will occasionally drop hints as to what we want, and although it would behoove those in charge to listen, they most certainly will not. Instead they will continue to bring us oversized NFL crybabies and pantywaist movie superheros. They will chide us for not embracing chick flicks and call us homophobes for not rushing out to see movies featuring gay protagonists. What they will undoubtedly miss is that we watch what we WANT to watch, and given the choice between Hugh Grant and Bruce Willis we will watch the Die Hard marathon on cable TV (we will touch on this in future posts). So, sit back and enjoy. The posts will be random in both subjects and timing. A special thanks to the guys that will likely assist, whether they know it or not:

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Icabod
Evil K
Slow Pitch
Dad
Backdraft
Shamus
Captain Hygene
Noslo
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Sincerely, Randy Ferentino Purveyor of Fine Oriental Rugs